I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit