As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
#dnd #ttrpg
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band