That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?