Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Genius idea!!
asking santa clause for nudes
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.