U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
our love story in four pictures
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.