my nickname in college
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting