Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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if my sleeping schedule was a person
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.