SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
*watches the world burn*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Yup!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.