Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.