TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct