to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“We will wed,” I threatened
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.