MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
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Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.