When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
This is not me but this is me
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?