going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver