*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in