Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?