The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
What the hell happened here.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Flowers bee like
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.