If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I identify as an antique shop.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
That de-escalated quickly
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.