7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Fights fire with marshmallows
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.