Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
(Jupiter –
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?