[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
real
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.