My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.