[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened