*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.