Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.