Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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Basketball
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.