Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here