My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Home is where your toilet is.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Ken is short for chicken
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet