God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
the best thing i’ve ever made
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra