Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.