a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
#parenting
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Gods work.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.