Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine