*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
yeah not falling for this one
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.