If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?