People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You Might Also Like
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The answer is funnier than the question
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off