i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy