Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
You Might Also Like
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
When you kidnap a writer.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.