Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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I’m literally crying
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
when someone rings the doorbell
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
The symmetry is uncanny.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.