People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security