I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Monday
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
This is enough internet for the day.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.