me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
dutch so unserious
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh