– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.