{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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This will never not be funny to me.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”