No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.