[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
kids play hide and seek like
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.