fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.