“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from