Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
You Might Also Like
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!