When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Body by Oreos
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
groan^2
Our lord and savoury.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Most fashion shows these days…
Social distancing in Australia:
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense