Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus